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Wash Me/Transcript
Brent Leroy: Have you asked him for his phone number yet? Wanda Dollard: No, I'm just a... Brent: 'Fraidy cat? Wanda: I am not a 'fraidy cat. Brent: Scaredy cat? Chicken cat. Chicken cacciatore? Cat Stevens? Wanda: I'll do it when I'm ready. Brent: Well, time's ticking. Cat's in the cradle. Geez, I got a real theme going on here. Wanda: Hey, Joe. I just wanted to let you know...hmm-hmm, I like 2% milk. Well and 1%, but mostly 2%. That's my preferred percent. I mean, I also like skim milk too. And whole milk. Don't get me started on whole milk. You a homo man, Joe? Joe: What? Wanda: Mmm, milk. Joe: OK, see ya, Wanda. Wanda: Two percent! Brent: I think you had him at homo. Oscar Leroy: Emma, you forgot to buy my deodorant. Emma! Made for a woman. We'll see about that. Hank Yarbo: Oh hey, Emma. Remember these numbers. 16-37-17. Emma Leroy: Why? Hank: Oh, I just got this new lock. Don't want to forget the combination. Emma: Why don't you write them down. Hank: Where should I write them down? Emma: On a notepad or something and put it in a safe place like a desk drawer. Hank: I don't have a desk drawer. I mean, I got a desk but it doesn't have any drawers. Emma: That's table. Hank: Yeah. Emma: Then where do you put your desk stuff? Hank: In the kitchen drawers. Emma: And your kitchen stuff is...? Hank: In the lock box of my truck. That's what I need the lock for. Oh hey, I can uh, write the numbers on my truck. Emma: 16-37-17. Davis Quinton: Hey, there's my gun. Why's it got a flower in it? Don't get me wrong, I like it. Karen Pelly: I'm drawing it for art class. It'll help me when I have to draw suspects. Karen: Is this the man that stole your cabbage? Old Woman: Kind of. He had a hat. Davis: And to this day the cabbage bandit is still on the loose. Karen: No, Hank confessed. Davis: Oh yeah. Can I have a look? Karen: What do you think? Davis: Well, I'm not art critic but ah, pffffffft. Lacey Burrows: Hey! Isn't that the guy you like? The milk guy? Oh, it looks like the perfect moment to get his number. Wanda: Yeah, to a layman. But the perfect moment never appears as the perfect moment. Lacey: It doesn't? Wanda: No. There's always room for error. The right moment has to be precise and unmistakable. Lacey: Aw. Wanda: I'll know the right moment when I feel it. Lacey: Yeah. Wanda: OK, I feel it. Damn it! Brent: Was Mom here? Oscar: No. Brent: 'Cause I kinda smell lavender or berry bouquet. Do you hug Mom before you came here? Oscar: Why the hell would I do that? Brent: Like a peach sensation or mountain rain? Oscar: I don't have to stand here and take this abuse. Brent: Citrus breeze? Lacey: Whoa, you really captured Davis. Karen: I call this "Sleeping Cop." Lacey: Hey, would you mind if I hung that in the Ruby? I've got the perfect spot for it. Wanda: Sorry about that. Lacey: Oh, it's all right. I'll just cover it up with a crappy picture of something. Karen: I'd be honoured. Wanda: Hey. Joe: Wow, that's a dirty truck. Wanda: Sure is. I hate dirty things. I mean, unless you're into dirty things. I, I'm not saying that I am but I'm no prude. Hey, watch this. Joe: "Wash me." That's funny. Wanda: I'm a bit of a scamp. Hank: Why'd ya do that? Wanda: To be scampy. Hank: She owes me an apology. She wrote "wash me" on my dirty truck. Brent: The nerve of she. Wanda: I only wrote what the truck would write on itself if it could write. Hank: That's my notepad. When it's dirty, I can write important stuff to remember on it. Brent: Like "wash me." Hank: Nobody tells me when to wash my notepad, especially she! Brent: Hey, how are things going with you and 2%? Wanda: Good. I'm laying the foundation. Brent: You talking yogurt yet? Cheese? Better move fast, we don't carry a lot of dairy products. Davis: Hey, hey, hey. That cop is totally asleep. What a lazy cop. Ah, I shouldn't really laugh. It doesn't help with the stereotypical image of police officers. Lacey: Ah Davis, that's you. Davis: Oh, I don't think so. Brent: Hey Karen, great sketch of Davis sleeping. Lacey: Yeah, she really captured your laziness. Davis: Why'd you draw me? Karen: I have a hard time drawing things that move. Besides, it's your fault. You spent an hour on duty sleeping in the car. Shameful. Brent: Didn't you spend an hour on duty sketching him? Wanda: Hello Joe, what'd ya know? Joe (phone): OK. Wanda: Unoriginal, I know. I bet you get that all the time. Joe (phone): No. Wanda: Really, huh? Uh, look, I've been meaning to ask you... Joe (phone): Stop crying. Joe: It's my Mom. Her cat's missing. She's drunk. Wanda: Ooo. Joe: Not the cat. My Mom. Joe (phone): No, I'm not telling everybody you're drunk. Wanda: No, don't worry! I'll find her cat. Here, puss, puss. Here, puss, puss. Joe: She lives in Calgary. Emma: I got your deodorant. Oscar: It's about time. I had to use yours. Emma: What? Oscar: You brought me mine in the first place, I'd have never had to use yours. What are you doing? Emma: I can't use mine now, it's got your stink all over it. Oscar: You wouldn't dare. Emma: Hmm. Oscar: This sleeping Davis sketch is hoot. How much do you want for it? Lacey: Oh no, it's not for sale. Oscar: I'll give you ten bucks. Karen: Sold. Lacey: Oh, wow. There's a hole there. Karen: I, I could do another "Sleeping Davis" sketch. Oscar: How about one of him sleeping in a booth at the Ruby? Davis: I'm awake. Karen: So, I'll wait five minutes. Lacey: Is it just me or does anyone else smell hair spray? Davis: Yeah, I do. Oscar: Oh, don't listen to him. He's talking in his sleep. Davis: I'm awake. Scout Leader: Hey, can the kids wash your truck to earn a badge? Hank: First of all, it's not a truck, it's a notepad. Scout Leader: Sorry, it looks like a truck. Hank: Second of all, I don't want it washed. Scout Leader: It says "wash me." Hank: Now what's it say? Scout Leader: "Dont" wash me. Hank: Ah, I forgot the apostrophe. Brent: Is Dad around? Emma: No. Brent: Really? I smell a musk splash or arctic breeze something. Lacey: Geez Hank, you think you put on enough aftershave this morning? Hank: Guess I did. Brent: Aqua sport? Seems like it's coming off Mom. Emma: Oh. Fffft. Lacey: Yeah, right. Like Emma put on men's aftershave. Brent: Mountain mist? Emma: Look, we all know that Hank put on too much aftershave. Now it's time to leave him alone. Hank: Thanks, Emma. Emma: Shut up, Hank. And you, you should get your nose checked. Brent: Smoky bacon? Lacey: No, that's the soup. Brent: Ooo, I'll have that. Karen: What are you doing? Davis: Standing at the ready, not sleeping. Waiting to help the good citizens of Dog River. Karen: In front of a field? Davis: I'll be standing here a little while longer if you decide to get your sketching stuff for no reason. Lacey: Aw, this is my favourite "Sleeping Davis." Look at the sun, glistening off the morning dew. Karen: That's drool, he's a deep sleeper. Oscar: What the hell is this written on your truck? Hank: "Pay taxes?" Oscar: No, the other thing. Hank: Oh, "Be more considerate to the elderly?" Oscar: No. Hank: C'mon old man, just tell me. I don't got all day! Oscar: That "don't, don't wash me." Hank: There's only one "don't." Oscar: No, there's another "don't" here. It's a double whatchama call it? It's a double wrong. Hank: Wanda! Wanda: You know, he's gonna think that I did that. Scout Leader: So, you do want your truck washed. Hank: Geez, you guys are like vultures. Scout: Someone smells pretty. Oscar: It's him. Hank: Ah, ha, ha. "Don't, don't, don't wash me." Oscar: Don't use "don't" anymore. Hank: Can't? Shan't? Shant'nt? Scout Leader: Mustn't? Oscar: Aw, forget it. It's gonna rain later anyway. Brent: Smells good. Lacey: Well, aren't you gonna eat it? Brent: No. See, my smell is off. So, I'm thinking if it smells good then there's probably something wrong with it. Karen: You think the food might be off? Lacey: The food is fine. Fitzy Fitzgerald: Did someone say the food is off? Brent: I did. Lacey: The food's fine. His smell is off. Scout: Hi. Emma: Hi. Scout: You smell like spruce tree. Emma: It's not me, it's a...OK, it's me. Scout: Wanna wash? Lacey: Wow, these things are really moving. You know, you should have a show here. Karen: Ah, you sure people have enough holes to cover up? Lacey: Karen, they don't have to be just to cover up holes. Cracks, dents, any blemish really. Davis: What is that? Lacey: Don't cha love it? Davis: Nice. I was there for three hours and you choose to sketch the two hours I was sleeping. Wanda: Hey, ah, Joe, I was wondering, ah... Hank: It's gonna rain. Just gonna park my truck here. Joe: Well Wanda, you were about to ask me something? Wanda: Yeah, I was uh, I just ah, I was just gonna ask you for your phone number, so I could give you a call sometime. Hank: Oh, ho, ho, boy. Did I ever arrive at the right time, huh? Joe: I thought you didn't like me. Wanda: Oh, no. I like you. Hank: Like you like, like him? Ow! Joe: Got a pen? Wanda: Yep, go. Joe: 647... Wanda: Hold on, stupid pen. Sometimes it's just, you know, c'mon! Just tell it to me. Joe: 647-125...know what, that's dumb. That's my home number, why don't I give you my cell. 555-0179. Wanda: OK. Joe: Oh, sorry. Those last numbers are 97. Wanda: OK. Joe: I'll see you later. Wanda: OK. Davis: OK, I get it. I sleep a lot. Karen: No, no, no, no, no. It's for a show at the Ruby. There's gonna be free wine and cheese and you get to meet the real "Sleeping Davis." If you show up. Davis: Oh, sure. All right. I'll so up. Karen: Really, you'll come? Davis: Oh yeah, I'll be there. Karen: Sounded kinda sinister when you said that. Davis: Huh, no, no, I'll be there. Don't you worry. Karen: You said it sinister again. Davis: I didn't mean to. I'll be there. Bye. Brent: You can't park your truck by the pumps. Hank: But it's gonna rain. Brent: Nope, I smell the opposite of what I normally smell, and I smell rain. So, it's not gonna rain. Hank: Oh, ah, a double wrong, like a, don't, don't, don't. Brent: Just move your notepad before I have it towed, and shredded. Wanda: Where's Hank's notepad going? Brent: Thunder? Great, now there's something wrong with my hearing. Wanda: Ah! Emma: I bought you another deodorant. Let's stop this. Oscar: Fair enough. Your razor's no great shakes. I had to use it three times today. Emma: Blade's that dull, huh? Oscar: Eh? Emma: So, we agree not to use each other's stuff from now on? Oscar: Done. Emma: Stop using my moisturizer. Wanda: What happened? Hank: Scout's got to it. Wanda: Those selfish bastards! Hank: I think they did a terrific job. Wanda: Joe's number was on that truck. Hank: Relax, I backed everything up. Wrote it all down. Wanda: Do not say on another dirty truck. Hank: No, on a notepad. A real notepad. It's in my lock box. Wanda: I underestimated you. Which I didn't think was possible. Hank: All I gotta do is get the combination number that I wrote down on my truck. Ha, ha, ha, classic. Ah. Emma: We're not using each other's stuff anymore, right? Oscar: My word is my bond. Emma: Good, 'cause I bought this new shampoo and it's really expensive and I don't want you using it. Oscar: Sure thing. Oscar: Owww! Owww! Emma: What is it Oscar? Oscar: What's in that shampoo of yours? The one that I'm not using. Emma: That's hair remover. Did I say shampoo? You don't want to be using that on your scalp, it could be very painful. Oscar: I hear ya, oh. Hank: There it is. Wanda: You keep knives and forks in there? Hank: Yeah, anything kitcheny really. Brent: Dad? I can't believe I'm about to say this but I'm happy to smell you. Oscar: Oh, get your nose off of me. Brent: Mom. Yes, nailed it in one sniff. Emma: Oh, when did you get so weird? Brent: Mom smells like Mom, Dad smells like Dad. This chili cheese dog smells the way angels up in heaven smell. My sniffer is working again! Lacey: Maybe mine's off because I smell hair remover. Hank: Ah, there's your number right there. Wanda: There's only six digits. Hank: What? Huh? Well, this isn't a phone number. Wanda: What? Hank: It's just the combination to my lock. Oh, the combination to the lock was locked in the lock box that the lock was locking. Ha, ha, ha, classic. Ow! Brent: Hi look everybody, it's "Sleeping Davis." All: Hey! Davis: I'm afraid I'm here on official police business. I have to shut this exhibition down. Lacey: What? No, no, no. No, he's just grumpy. You probably didn't have your nap. Davis: I had my nap. It's why I'm late. Lacey: OK, listen, I get it. You're a little upset about the sketches but there is no need to shut this down, Davis. Davis: The Ruby doesn't have a liquor license and you're serving liquor. Karen: C'mon Davis, don't make this sound like a sleazy booze can. Lacey has a license. Show him the license Lacey. Lacey: Ha, ha. Well, I don't have a license. Karen: OK everybody, you heard Sergeant Davis. We're shutting this dump down. Lacey: Dump? Karen: Have you seen the holes in the wall? Brent: All right everybody, let's blow this dump. Lacey: Hey! Brent: I mean, sleazy booze can. I mean, let's go to the bar. Davis: All right, single file, let's go! Keep 'er movin', nice and orderly now. Nice and orderly, let's not linger now, let's not linger. Brent: Are you still trying to do that? Wanda: Well, I remember most of the numbers. Some combination gotta work. Wanda (phone): Hello? Oh, Joe! The milk delivery guy? It's me, Wanda. Joe (phone): Wanda? From the gas station. Well, what's it been, like two years since I last saw ya? Wanda (phone): Yeah, you stopped coming by. Joe (phone): I got transferred to a new route. You never called me. Wanda (phone): Yeah, I know, I lost your number. But I knew I'd figure it out eventually. So, what's new? Joe (phone): Well, I'm married now, got a couple kids. Wanda (phone): Oh? Joe (phone): How 'bout you? You still crazy about milk? Wanda (phone): Mmm, milk. Joe (phone): What's that? Wanda (phone): Two percent! Brent: How'd that work out? Wanda: Wrong number. Category:Transcripts